Back in the early 1980s, I heard the best explanation I can remember of political/economic systems. It gave six examples (socialism, communism, fascism, nazism, New Deal bureaucracy and tradtional capitalism), and told how each system would treat a farmer with two cows. Since gaining Internet access, I have seen a few more copies of the list, vastly expanded. Now here’s the latest version:
Bovine Economics 101
FEUDALISM:
You have 2 cows. You keep them and give your lord some of the milk.
CHRISTIANITY:
You have 2 cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor who has no cows.
SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor who has no cows.
COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows. The government takes both but lets you have some of the milk.
FASCISM:
You have 2 cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
“NEW DEAL” BUREAUCRACY:
You have 2 cows. The government buys both cows, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away.
MODERN DEMOCRACY:
You have 2 cows. The government taxes you to the point where you have to sell both cows. Your taxes go to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. Finally you sell them all and retire on the profits.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other one to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead, and hire a consultant to find out why.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want 3 cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow, and produce the milk of 20 cows. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called cowkimon and market them worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You count them and learn that you have 5 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of Vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don’t know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1,000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the journalist who reported otherwise.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have 2 cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. No balance sheet is provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows. Both are on the barbie.
A WELSH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows. The one on the left is kinda cute.
A DOMINICAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows. You donate one to the party most likely to win the next election (and the other to the second best bet just to cover your back). You sit back and wait for the returns to come rolling in.
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