Like the previous entry, this one is on the website page entitled “Some of My Favorite Stories.” It has been there for at least a year, but I just updated it; you may have seen other versions of it elsewhere. If I believed in evolution, here is how I’d want the story to go:
The Evolution of Conservatives and Liberals
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches, liberals and conservatives, occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then all humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish in the winter.
A thousand generations ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great division of humanity into its two distinct subgroups.
Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forebears decided it was time to settle down. Making beer required grain, and securing a steady supply of it ordained the invention of agriculture.
After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly, and unfairly, consigned actual cultivation to women.
Men couldn’t just run off, willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
This left our male ancestors with a lot of time on their hands. Some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hence the term “conservative”) by spending their days in the open field in the dangerous pursuit of big game animals. At night they would roast their prey at a big barbecue, and afterwards sat around the fire drinking beer, passing wind and telling off-color jokes.
Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. They are responsible for the domestication of cats and the invention of group therapy. Mostly, they sat around worrying about how life wasn’t fair and concocting elaborate schemes to “liberate” themselves from inequity (thus their designation as “liberals”). From this came the concept of Democratic voting, to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
In the evening they gathered around their fire, nibbling on fruit and nuts, sharing their innermost feelings. Some liberal men did sewing, fetching, and hair dressing, and eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as “girlie men.”
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals were symbolized by the jackass.
Today some liberals try to pretend they’re really sort of conservative, and sometimes succeed in confusing people. Here is how to distinguish the two types.
By definition liberals believe in big government and high taxes. Life is unfair and the government is there to do something about it. Most people are too stupid to spend untaxed income wisely, they say, and high taxes allow liberals in government to do a better job of it.
Conservatives don’t like government, and, aside from the military, wish it would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits, and small cars.
Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rush Limbaugh, Dennis Miller, Drew Carey, Charlton Heston, Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris, and, up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the incomparable John Wayne and Ronald Reagan.
Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman, Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbra Streisand, Whoopi Goldberg, Ted Turner and his former wife, the traitor Jane Fonda.
All conservatives drink beer. American beer.
Some liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or foreign water from a bottle.
Liberals like to drive Volvos and Saabs because they’re made in socialist Sweden. They like to eat sushi, tofu and French food because it’s un-American.
Your basic conservative vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy Suburban. It’s big, it’s American, it’s four wheel drive, and it sucks up the gas. Conservatives eat red meat, which they (surprise!) like to barbecue.
Liberal women have more testosterone than liberal men. Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments were in Sodom and Gomorrah.
Conservative men still provide for their women. Two of the most successful conservative city governments were in Sparta and Rome.
Big game hunters are conservative. Interior decorators are liberal.
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn’t “fair” to make the poor pitcher take his turn at bat.
Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear skirts, so they can more easily be distinguished from real football players.
Except for k. d. lang and the Dixie Chicks, country and religious singers are overwhelmingly conservative. Most artists in other genres of music are liberals. Alice Cooper is a conservative, believe it or not!
Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors and police. Conservatives figure the defendant must be guilty or he wouldn’t be on trial.
Most conservatives not only believe in the death penalty, they would cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so.
Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to boot.
Most ranchers, lumberjacks, soldiers, and construction workers are conservatives. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work productively for a living.
Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, and group therapists are liberals. Outside of the arts, liberals produce little or nothing. Because they prefer to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production, most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Conservatives believe in self-defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and common criminals.
Liberals do not believe in conservative self-defense, for either individuals or nations. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer to any problem.
Liberals believe Europeans are, generally speaking, far more enlightened than Americans. Conservatives think they’re basically decadent, because of their absence from recent wars.
Typical conservative movies are “Red Dawn,” “Patton,” “Conan the Barbarian,” and most films starring or directed by Mel Gibson.
Typical liberal movies are “Prince of Tides,” “Last Tango in Paris,” “The Big Chill,” and anything directed by Oliver Stone.
Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world. They believe in the concept of truth.
Liberals do not have principles; whatever is best for them is considered right. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice. Instead of giving to charity, they get the poor to vote for them, and give them a portion of the tax money they take from conservatives.
The quintessential liberal is the modern judge. They do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money. They will enforce any statute from a liberal in Massachusetts or San Francisco, no matter how boneheaded, but consider it against the law to make reference to the Bible or Constitution.
The cowboy, of course, is your basic, full bore conservative. Around 1900, an Englishman in South Dakota was trying to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands and asked, “Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find your Master?” To which the cowboy replied, “That sumbitch hasn’t been born.”
Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A conservative will simply laugh and forward it immediately to those who believe it really happened this way.